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Learn about Mall Ninjas
Real Mall Ninjas
Real operators,
caught on camera
Mall Ninjas Speak Out:
The Mall Ninja Threads-
Where it all started
Mall
Ninja Comics
By Will
Pierce,
artist and poet
Fan
Stuff
Mall Ninja FanArt
You draw 'em, we
post 'em
Mall
Ninja Haiku
Mall Ninjas do not
appreciate your Haiku.
Who cares? We like them
Mall
Ninja Fan
Misc.
You guys write
some
weird stuff, and it's all here
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Known
Agents

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The best known operators have all their available
sightings and and dossiers painstakingly recorded here, along with any other
available relevant information on them. Be warned that the material in the pages
pages below contain information that powerful figures in Retail Security would
far rather was never exposed to the public. Classified stuff.
If you have any misgivings about being privy to such
sensitive material, don't
check the top agent's dossiers. We feel it's safe now, though- Hell, only
a known 18% of those who have previously accessed this data have died from
accidentally shooting themselves in the back of the skull three times with a two
shot derringer-and as far as we know, the rest of them are fine. Run the odds,
and check the agents out, so you'll know them if you see them. |
Other Sightings |
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By all accounts, Mall
Ninja are hard to catch in action due to their incredible stealth, wiliness,
and occasional use of traditional Ninja Magic, but at the same time, their
innate pride in being perhaps the world's most skillful tactical operators
has led them to occasionally pose for photos-in fact, perhaps a more common
occurrence than catching them in action. A contradiction? Does it really
make sense that such secretive, and mysterious operators would actually
strike one for the camera?
Perhaps not, but everyone knows that no woman can resist a fully
geared out, testosterone loaded, adrenaline pumping tactical operator. Just
take the case of Matt, (the only known Mall Ninja to be actually captured in training exercises- by
a firearms manufacturer employee), as an excellent example:
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1. Matt shown styling in his Ninja gear
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2. and then here in "schnazzy" evening wear. |
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Now ladies, which of these two pictures make you positively drool when you
see it? The first one, of course! Which probably explains just why he was
willing to have that picture taken- 90% of the ladies questioned under
independent polling say they think he's
just unbearably sexy in that floppy ninja garb, and that boyish
charm-almost like Doogie Howser in SWAT gear. In fact, all of the "gear
before glamour" pollrespondents stated that the tuxedo pic left them
cold, compared to the positively tactile sensation they experienced from
seeing him geared up, decked out and ready to kick some shoplifter ass. No
comparison...and apparently something many bachelors could take to heart,
judging from this next picture...
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Now, doesn't that just make you sick?)
*Ahem*
We here at coltcco.com/mnarchive have taken pains only to include verifiable pictures of
Mall Ninjas-though we receive several suspected sightings per week, our
independent research team, has gone to great expense to ensure that they
verify the identity of each picture. The Mall Ninja command does not view
the actions of the research teams, or this website's information collection
on their top secret agents with any favor-in fact, this may explain
approximately 100% of the disappearances, and inexplicable suicides of the
members of the research teams. Our work here in uncovering this vast
conspiracy, however, be the conspiracy for good or evil, remains as
important as the day we began.
Contact
coltcco.com/mnarchive to Report Mall Ninja sightings. These Ninjutsu
trained operators are wily, and it is unlikely that you will get more than
one chance to take a photo, or even a good look at one, so keep your cameras at the ready.
Also if you should get a picture of any suspected Mall Ninja, run like hell.
You probably won't make it to the parking lot before the snipers drop you
like a side of beef, and if you do, the Lot Work boys are more than likely
to finish you off with 180 grains of instant lead poisoning from behind a
vehicle, but what the hell- suck it up, make an effort for the cause, and
maybe you'll get an action shot.
The best known Mall Ninjas all have their own dossiers on
the
Known Agents page-as soon as we have sufficient information on a Mall
Ninja, they will have their own profile there.
Here's some other,
assorted pictures of Mall Ninjas in action, and in training, with suitable
captions...
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"There is no spoon, there is no spoon..."

"Ouch! I hate it when I pull off my baclava, and it rips off
half of my mustache!"

" Ahh! Sarge! It's all going black- I can't see!"

Still not quite tactical
enough...maybe a gyro-stabilizer would do the trick.

"Damn it, I caught him, I get to
decide where to shoot him! I don't care how cute they scream when you
do that!"
More whenever genuine Mall Ninja are
sighted...If you
get any,
send 'em!
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